A Rabbi for EVERYONE, Jewish or Not

Tikkun Olam and Repairing Friendships
Erev Rosh Hashanah 2005-5765

Rabbi Abba Hillel Silver was perhaps the leading American Rabbi at the end of World War II. He was one of the leading spokesmen for Israel and for Zionism long before most Reform Rabbis were anything but hostile to Zionism. Abba Hillel Silver was a visionary, a rabbi who at once could see the scope and causes of a problem and offer its solution.

At the end of the war, Judaism faced a crisis, not only because one third of the world’s Jews had been murdered, but because those that survived faced an increasing threat of assimilation and the continuing subjugation of Judaism and religion in general to other priorities. There was a fear that the persecuted Jews having witnessed their brethren’s fate in Europe might be willing to give up some of that uniqueness that separates the Jews from those around them, to give in to those who decry their difference and wish the Jews to be like those around them. Abba Hillel Silver took umbrage with that.

He wrote, “Any movement for good will which demands of me self-abnegation is a hostile attack. The man who would be my friend only if he can convert me to his way of living and thinking and believing, is not my friend. He is my enemy. He does not like me for what I am. He would like to see his own reflection in me.”

This is how we react when confronted by those who would have us cease to be Jews and to become something else. As we approach the caucus season, which will come all too soon for some and far too long from now for others among us, please remember that this is also true for politics!!! Sometimes diversity of opinions and diversity in general can be very uncomfortable. This is the reason that people are not supposed to discuss religion and politics at the dinner table!

I recently saw the movie Watermarks which is a documentary about the HaKoah Women’s Swimming Team which was the Jewish women’s swim team in Vienna, Austria prior to the conquest of Austria by the Nazis.

HaKoah was an organization founded for the purpose of allowing Jews to participate in sports. Other teams did not allow Jewish members.

In 1936, just before the Berlin Olympics, the top ranked female swimmer in Austria was a Jewish woman on the HaKoah team. She was asked to represent Austria at the Berlin Olympics. She refused. The Austrian Swimming Federation then not only banned her from future competition, but also removed all of her records from the swimming record books.

Not long after that, a parade was held, in which all of the sports teams paraded through the city of Vienna. HaKoah followed behind the Nazi party’s team which was cheered with shouts of “Heil Hitler” as it passed. In the movie, it was said that as HaKoah passed, there was absolute silence, a frightening silence full of hatred and loathing. The members of HaKoah ran from the parade back to their club worried not only about the future of HaKoah in competition with the other clubs, but about their safety in 1936 Vienna.

In the movie, one of the women states that she had no real connection to Judaism before she joined HaKoah. She simply considered herself, “Austrian.” Suddenly, events made all of the Hakoah members feel very Jewish.

Perhaps one of the most telling scenes in the movie occurred in modern day Vienna, where surviving members of the Hakoah swim team were gathering for the making of the movie. One woman, Greta, I believe, who had lived in the United States since the war was having a chat with the Austrian driver bringing her to the hotel.

It came up in the conversation that she had left soon after the Nazis took over Austria. The driver said, “Those were terrible times. Particularly for non-natives.” Greta immediately and rightly took offense. “I was born here, my parents and my grandparents were born here.” In fact, Greta’s family had lived in Austria for 400 years. The driver’s response was essentially, “Yes, but you are not Austrian.”

What does it mean to truly belong somewhere? What does it mean to be at home? To be welcome? Clearly the driver in the story believed that he was being welcoming of Greta. He seemed happy that she had come to visit his beautiful city. Only a generation or two earlier Austrians certainly were not welcoming of Jews. How different he was to be driving her around Vienna.

Yet Greta did not feel welcomed at all by this man. He had deeply rooted prejudices against Jews. Jews could not be Austrians, even Jews whose families lived in Austria for four centuries. When the driver said those words, “Yes, but you are not Austrian,” he demonstrated how much farther there is to go. Those prejudices which brought about the horrors of the Holocaust are still present. There is still too great a willingness to see differences and too little willingness to find similarities.

Even with that, if differences were seen as enhancing the world rather than corrupting it, if diversity of opinion and belief was seen as healthy for the advancement of humanity instead of as foiling it, and ethnic characteristics mattered less than our moral and ethical qualities… even then, even with minds focused on difference, the world would be a far better place.

Interestingly, Reform Judaism in this country has fought the battle at different times for and against difference. During that time when Jews were severely discriminated against, when they could not belong to the vast majority of Country Clubs, Dining Clubs, and Athletic Clubs American Jews created their own, just as the Viennese Jews created Hakoah. Synagogue Centers and Community Centers sprang up around the country in which Jews could swim, play sports, and dine without worry of discrimination.

Throughout the 19th Century and for the first half of the 20th Century, Jews were encouraged to assimilate, particularly Reform Jews, but to a degree, also Conservative and even Orthodox Jews. Rabbis regularly gave sermons, not on the Torah or Jewish history, but on secular books that helped the members of their congregations learn how to be more like other Americans. Many Jews on the Classical Reform end of the spectrum went so far as to bring Christmas Trees into their homes, almost none of which contained Christian family members as intermarriage rates were very low, for the purpose of blending in with their neighbors during the holiday season.
I can just picture it now, “Oy vey, Morty! It’s supposed to be a five pointed star, not a Star of David! And no, I’m not making my matzah balls because they’re hard enough for you to hang them on it! Morty, it’s tinsel, not Tallis, that goes on the tree! Oy vey, Morty!”

Many Jews worked very hard to learn how not to appear to be Jewish.

There is of course the joke about the Jewish man who wanted to join the elite country club:

Harry Moses Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a place known not to admit Jews. First, Harry went to court and had his name changed to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. After that, he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Next, he hired an elocution tutor from England to teach him to speak like a native Brit. And finally, Harry worked his way into the graces of several well-established members of the Greenvale Country Club. Two years after embarking on his project, Howard Frobisher appeared before the committee. "Please state your name," the chairman said. In a clipped Oxfordian accent, Harry replied, "I'm Howard Trevelyan Frobisher." "And, tell us, where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?" "Eton and Oxford." The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"
"Goy."

The sad thing is that for much of the last two hundred years, Jews spent a great deal of time an effort to appear to be anything but Jewish.

Rabbi Abba Hillel Silver had something to say about this trend toward assimilation:

There is much which all religions have in common and much which differentiates them. Their common purpose in the world will not be advanced by merger or amalgamation. Were all arts, philosophies, and religions cast into one mold, mankind would be the poorer for it.

In other words, our goal should not be to pursue commonality at the expense of maintaining our distinctiveness. We will not benefit from merging or amalgamating since inevitably it will be those things that make us truly exceptional that are lost. Would it have been better for Jews to have said, “You know, we really have so much in common with Christians, let us just drop those things that separate us from them.” Would the world have been a better place if there never were martyrs of any religion who stood up for what they believed in face of persecution? In the Jewish world, it would be easier for us all, Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox to get along if we all just followed the Rabbinical Tradition according to the Orthodox interpretation. If only, Reform Judaism did not allow women to lead prayers or read Torah, if only Reform Judaism did not allow gays and lesbians to be clergy, if only Reform rabbis did not perform intermarriages, if only Reform Judaism did not recognize as Jews those whose father was Jewish, but whose mother was not, if only all of us kept Kashrut, if only… If only there were no differences, we would get along much better. At least, all of those who do not really care about any of those things, who are, of course, mostly the people who are pressuring us to change.

There are rabbis out there, even in the Reform movement, but for certain in the Conservative movement, who believe that after refusing to perform an intermarriage for them, interfaith couples will somehow feel welcomed when they return after marriage. I see it in this way. A couple seeking to be a part of the Jewish community and needing help to do so is slugged in the gut by the rabbi, who as soon as the marriage is over, perhaps not until they have children, extends his hand and says, “Now I’ll help you.” And what of those who will extend a blessing upon the marriage after the fact, but only privately and not even in the sanctuary? Can that couple feel anything but that their union is not good enough for either Judaism or the rabbi and that while he may care for them, he is ashamed to bless them in public?

I perform interfaith marriages because I see myself as creating a Jewish household, which means, a household in which Jewish children may be raised. I do so because I see that action, that embrace of the rabbi of two people in love, as not only something that might as well be done because the couple is going to get married with or without my involvement, but because I believe that by reaching out to them, I show them that Reform Judaism cares about BOTH OF THEM, Jew and non-Jew, and that Reform Judaism will maintain that respect and caring all through their life together. It is simply wrong in my mind to deny them that embrace when they come to get married, but to say to them if they return later with children, “Hey, our survival depends on your kids, let me teach them Judaism” and teach them Judaism in such a way that tells them that intermarriage, understood in no uncertain terms by the child as “MY PARENTS’ MARRIAGE,” is not acceptable in the eyes of God or of the Jewish religion. It is no different that telling that child that they are the product of sin.

For those who are not Reform Jews, there is the added slap in the face if the mother is not Jewish and the rabbi tells them that their children have to convert to Judaism before they can be treated as Jews. Reform Judaism saw that slap in the face as a major deterrent to those who wished to participate in the Jewish community and created and passed the doctrine of Patrilineal descent in 1983, in which a child whose father is Jewish, but whose mother is not, is considered Jewish as long as he or she is raised as a Jew.

Is it any wonder why such a large percentage of interfaith families do not raise their children as Jews? The only truly welcoming place for intermarried Jews is in the Reform Movement and, since many Reform rabbis do not perform intermarriages, only in those Reform congregations with rabbis who do perform them. I would add that how they are treated, not only by the rabbi, but by the congregation and the movement after the wedding is more important still. For those of you in sales, you know. It is difficult to get the customer in the door in the first place. Keeping them coming back is very difficult. Bringing them back after you or your business associates treated them badly and hurt their feelings? That is a lost cause. Judaism over the past 200 years has created far too many lost causes by refusing to acknowledge as holy to the Jewish people and the Jewish tradition the love of a Jew and a non-Jew. Those rabbis who continually hold the view that such love cannot be publicly sanctioned by them and by the Jewish tradition are doing irreparable harm to the Jewish future.

Some rabbis out there actually argue that we should lower the bar for conversion so that we do not have to perform intermarriages, essentially pretending that someone who is not really sure that they want to be Jewish is Jewish. They argue that most of us don’t keep all the mitzvot, most of us do not attend services regularly, most of us don’t keep kosher; why should we demand that of Jews by Choice. Let’s make conversion quick and easy so that we can avoid intermarriage!

In my mind, doing so lowers the bar of what it means to be a Jew well below what I find acceptable. Being a Jew should not be simply calling yourself Jewish or thinking that you might be a Jew, but not really being sure. While I would say that for every Jew by Choice there is a different standard of what being Jewish means to them, it would be an insult to every one of them and to all of us who believe that that there is something greater than our opinion of ourselves that matters, if there were no standard, or almost no standard.

Beyond that, does doing so not smack of what Rabbi Abba Hillel Silver stated that, “Any movement for good will which demands of me self-abnegation is a hostile attack. The man who would be my friend only if he can convert me to his way of living and thinking and believing, is not my friend. He is my enemy. He does not like me for what I am. He would like to see his own reflection in me.”

Would we not be demanding exactly that of a non-Jewish fiancée if we pushed conversion by extortion under the guise of the rabbi saying, “I cannot do your marriage unless you change who you are and accept what I believe.” There is no integrity in that. Integrity requires that we respect them for what they believe, not demand that they believe what we do.

That is another reason why I perform intermarriages. I do not want to force someone to lie to me or even to themselves, to falsely become Jewish to satisfy a requirement for marriage. Additionally, it seems to me that people who become Jews solely for that reason are likely to have some animosity toward the tradition. It is precisely in line with the words of Rabbi Silver, “The man who would be my friend only if he can convert me to his way of living and thinking and believing, is not my friend.” To be truly welcoming necessitates being welcoming of difference, not seeking to erase it, not ignoring it, and not simply tolerating it so long as it poses no challenge.

Would it benefit Reform Jews in their relations with Conservative and Othodox Jews to refuse to perform intermarriages and to eliminate the doctrine of patrilineal descent? Absolutely it would. When Reform, Conservative, and Othodox children celebrated Judaism together, there would not be a question of whether or not some of the children are not “technically Jewish” in the minds of the Conservative and Orthodox families. The Reform kids would not worry about their Jewishness being questioned.

Would it make Reform Judaism better? Absolutely not. It would imply that such children are not Jewish enough and coupled with a refusal to perform intermarriages, that their families are not Jewish enough. Such views are insulting to interfaith families, many of whom not only choose to raise their children as Jews, but are active participants in the life of Jewish congregations. Whether or not those families are welcomed the moment that potential mom and potential dad walk into the rabbi’s study or even talk to the rabbi on the phone, has an enormous impact on whether or not they will join the Jewish community and whether or not they will see Judaism as a welcoming place in which their children may grow up.

When interfaith families come to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah and see, as they would in this congregation, the Christian mom who brought her son or daughter to Sunday school and Hebrew lessons for years, helped them study from the tapes, and worked with them on their speech standing in line in the Torah pass as a recognized participant in the transmission of Jewish identity and heritage, they feel welcome. When they see a Christian father of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah standing next to mom and being a part of the Torah pass they feel welcome. As they also do when they hear them read additions to the Jewish liturgy designed specifically to be read by anyone, Jewish or otherwise, and not to violate the integrity of their beliefs. How welcome do they feel when they see the mother or father standing silently behind her husband or his wife, or worse when they see that she is not standing on the bimah at all because they are not Jewish?

How do they feel, when having committed to raising their child as a Jew, that not only are thanks NOT offered by the congregation, but they themselves are seen as part of an abomination, an intermarriage. Such a place cannot consider itself to be interfaith friendly in my mind.

The Reform movement has come to the realization that simply not being hostile to interfaith couples and tolerating their presence is hardly being welcoming. Not pushing someone away does not imply that you are happy to see them. Telling them, it’s okay for you to be here, but God forbid you speak and certainly don’t touch the Torah, is not being welcoming, it’s being insulting and humiliating, not only to the mother or father who is not Jewish, but to the Jewish spouse and even worse, their children. Who wants to be part of a religion that does that to the mom or dad that they love? Is it any wonder that children who have grown up in those congregations may not have a positive view of Judaism as a welcoming place for interfaith families? Being welcoming takes positive actions, not simply the absence of negative ones.

If we are to instill a love of Judaism in the generations to come, it will be by embracing every member of each family. It will be because we see everyone who is part of a family in this congregation as part of our strength and because we have let the children of interfaith families know that Judaism considers both of their parents important, not merely tolerating one of them in order to achieve support from the other. It will be because we have reached out to them and said, you are important to us and we are very happy to have you here.

I consider myself the rabbi for every member of every family in this congregation, whether they are Jewish or not. If there is someone in need, I am there to help.